When I was growing up, there was a Finast supermarket around the corner and a D’Agostino’s across the street. Starting at about 9 years old – for a variety of reasons – I would do a lot of grocery shopping by myself. That was in the late 60s and the cash registers were still old-fashioned enough that they didn’t calculate change from cash tendered (and just forget about debit cards!).
So the cashiers would have to figure out in their heads how much change the customers would get back. For me of course, that also meant that I would have to calculate it as well, to make sure I got the correct amount.
As a third grader however, I had yet to finely-hone these math skills, so there was a fair amount of anxiety and discomfort when I approached the cashier and handed over the cash. Eventually I got good at making change, and would sometimes even give an extra penny or two to get larger coins back.
But I still remember feeling uncomfortable and even a little panicky about calculating that change.
Confronting the prospect of change in your life can be equally anxiety-producing and even induce feelings of panic and fear. Not to be trite, but for the last year-and-a-half, pretty much the only thing that has been constant for us has been change, and it would probably be fair to say that there’s been a good amount of anxiety accompanying that.
As regular readers of this blog know, I’ve been pretty focused on how Mary Elizabeth has changed – both from a physical perspective as well as a cognitive view. And if we’re looking at change, we should think about two frames of reference – how she’s changed from before the stroke, and how she’s changed since the stroke. The former tends to be pretty depressing, and the latter somewhat inspirational. The trick of course is balancing between the two and maintaining a positive outlook, while acknowledging the overall situation.
This hasn’t been very easy for me, and I likely spend too much time comparing our life now to our life before the stroke, and how Mary Elizabeth has changed. My friends and confidants are very patient as I spill out my fears and sadness about what has happened, and (for their sake) I hope that there’s an end to that fountain of unhappiness.
Because, it’s not only about how Mary Elizabeth has changed – it’s about how I have changed. It’s about how our kids have changed – and as I talked about in the last post – how our friends have changed as well.
Plus ca change, n’est-ce que pas?
I’ve become more practical, and take-charge than I had been before. I’m certainly able to cope with more than I thought I would have. And although Mary Elizabeth, her mother and my kids might disagree, I’ve become more patient and forgiving than I had been before. And while I sometimes have to reach for this one, I’ve become more grateful.
On the other hand, I’m depressed a lot more than I was. I don’t think I’ve ever lost faith, but I’ve lost hope a few times and that was really hard. I’m a lot more likely to say how I feel, when I feel it (which is both good and bad I suppose), and I find it hard to get things done, and that includes returning people’s phone calls and messages. (So if you’ve reached out to me and I haven’t gotten back to you yet – I apologize – I’ll try to be better)
So where does this leave us? For the moment, I feel like we’re standing on shifting sands, trying to keep our balance, laughing when we fall down and doing our best to stay on our feet. Can we do this forever? Absolutely not – and that’s the sustainability I’ve talked about from time to time. But do I have faith that things will stabilize? Certainly, yes.
I just hope and pray that our “change paths” will converge into a comfortable place of acceptance and hope.
But in the short term, I have to learn to accept change wherever it comes – we all do.
Moved in Sundry Places 
Hey Scott….You are amazing. In fact, you have hardly ever complained on this blog. More, you have simply noted how things are, which has often been *trying* or scary or sad. It is good you can acknowledge your feelings of depression. I haven’t spoken to you in person in so many years, and have no way of knowing if you will seek help for depression or have done so in the past. I hope though, that you have or will, because the difficulty doing things like returning phone calls sounds like a clinical symptom–you deserve all the help and support you need. Forgive me for my butinsky tendencies!
Change is especially difficult when it’s not of your own volition or making. You’ve dealt remarkably with the changes that were thrown at you. And the positive changes that Mary Elizabeth has made in the past year are extremely inspirational. I’m sure many of us wonder if we would have your fortitude and adaptability.
I’m so looking forward to seeing you and the family soon! XOXO!
Scott, I know many people still hold you, Mary Elizabeth and your children in prayer.
This weekend is the Greek Festival at our church. I’ll be working it on Sunday afternoon. It’s right down the road from your house and the kids would have fun…and you and Mary Elizabeth can enjoy some good Greek food. It would be wonderful to see you!
Wonderful post, Scott. Shifting sands is quite the appropriate metaphor. We readers can see it in the blog, too–the move from acute treatment to long-term care and viability for you and your family. I for one am very interested to keep reading and see where this journey takes you. It’s certainly not a vacation, and I bet you’re not sure where you’ll end up. But we are interested to find out and be there with you (in person or not!).
Dear Scott
Change is a difficult process. Sometimes we look for change and other times it is handed to us. You & your family have handled the change that was given to you with faith & hope. God is watching over you and brings you the strength you need each day. Each day is different and brings with it its share of tears and laughter. Hold on to your faith and know that you are not alone.
Our prayers are with you each day.
Bob & Carol
God bless you and Mary Elizabeth as you navigate on the shifting sands. This post was helpful to me because our family has undergone a lot since 2008 when we left for a year to live in England. One thing I have noticed is that it is better to keep my eyes on the goal than on the shifting sands. I may fall down a couple more times than if I just watched my feet, but I have a much better outlook on the journey.
Regarding mental health, you may want to consider getting support from a mental health professional. As a former psychiatrist I used to see said, “If someone fell off a roof and broke their leg, no one would think they were a wimp for getting medical attention. So if you have ‘life-stress injuries’, why think that they do not also need healing attention?”
You are an inspiration! ~Maria E.
Dear dear Brennans! Having spent a morning gardening at the Planting Fields I realize how my busy life has kept me from your garden and I apologize. I think of you all each time I drive by considering a drop in visit which I have resisted so far.
Allison graduated from CW Post with a cum laude Bachelor’s degree in Fine Arts. She is doing photo restoration at Berger Brothers in Syosset. Richie graduates from LVHS on the 25th and will attend Drexel University in the fall in the music industry program. His band is doing well. My years as an involved parent in the LV school community has come to an end. And Erika and Brian are engaged! Still it’s no reason for not having been in touch even if you all have been constantly on my mind and in my prayers.
I’ll call before I drop in after graduation festivities are complete.
Much love,
The Straub Family