During most of the last 6 months, I’ve been able to avoid asking the question, “Why Me?”
I’ve been able to focus on the positives, and handling our challenges with grace and with hope. But occasionally I despair (etymologically speaking, from de “without” and sperare “hope”) and spend a little while having a good wallow.
Those of you who have known me a long time will understand when I say that my childhood wasn’t the greatest, with both my parents dead by the time I was 30. So now this comes along and the two-word question has lately been burbling up from the muck, “Why Me?” Haven’t I been through enough by now? Isn’t it time for a rest?
That’s compounded by living as I do in an affluent area where people have a lot of advantages. I see handsome couples with beautiful children stepping into fancy cars, heading off for lovely lunches, exquisitely happy and healthy – and I look at me, struggling with wheelchair parts, heaving and sweating to get Mary Elizabeth into the car, facing a week of fighting with insurance companies and I think – “Wow, what did I do to deserve this?”
This evening, Mary Elizabeth lost it. She was tired, and when she’s feeling that way, she becomes agitated and confused, stuck on a phrase and angry. She didn’t want dinner and refused to take her medicine. She was furious at me for suggesting it, and was physically difficult, struggling at every turn, even slapping my hands away as I tried to maneuver her into the wheelchair. I got her into bed, went and sat in a corner of the bedroom and began to wallow. After 6 whole months of this, and after all I’ve done – I’m getting yelled at. And why stop there? Woe is me, with my terrible childhood and misfortune – not to mention a herniated lumbar disk. I was up to my eyeballs in maudlin self-pity.
And then a small voice came out of the covers on the bed, calling out to me, “Scott, I love you so much.” She came back from her dark place and said the one thing which would snap me out of my funk, and help me remember why I’m doing all this. She also helped me remember that it’s not all about me – that they’re not only my problems.
I get into trouble when I start to feel sorry for myself, and compare myself to others. It’s a trap that a lot of us fall into, and that’s just not a good road for me to take, because the destination is a dark place.
It’s hard work, but I just know that I need to look at our current circumstance as an opportunity and a gift. It’s a real-life chance to rise above a bad situation and to really and truly appreciate the ones I love. And it underscores the fact that life really is a gift, and to see it any other way diminishes how precious it is.
Hopefully this doesn’t sound like Pollyanna-ish psycho-babble, but it helps me sort out what’s happened, and to find a perspective that allows me to see at the same time our current dark situation and a brighter horizon in the east, suffused with the rosy glow of hope and faith.
Thanks for listening, and for helping us stay focused on the positive with your support, good wishes and prayers.
Moved in Sundry Places 
Scott,
With what you and Mary Elizabeth have gone through during the past 6 months one really has to ask — how has he kept it all together for so long ?
Allow yourself time to ask why me– you are certainly entitled to a few moments of exhaustion –just remember God’s plan becomes clear in time. Your beautiful family and supportive friends will continue to be there for you in numerous ways.
Our prayers for you all continue.
Love, The Straub Family
Hey Scott!
You constantly amaze me with your strength and wisdom.
For what it is worth, my take is that you wallowed just the right amount. You have every right to moments of despair, frustration, and anger. It is a tribute to your resilience and your relationship with Mary Elizabeth that you don’t stay in darkness long and don’t go so deep that you cannot be pulled out by a word of love. What I hear is strength, strength, humanity, love, and strength, from both of you.
— Grace
SO NOT Polyanna-ish psycho-babble, Scott!! Just when I think I’ve got a strong handle on your blog, I become a blubbering idiot. You ability to connect with everyone, wherever they are IS a gift. The human condition, no matter what the outside package looks like and no matter what our circumstances are, is really very simple – we need to be needed, we NEED LOVE. And I have a very strong feeling, that if Mary never felt up to uttering those words, Jesus would have. I would even go as far as to say that the heavens spoke to you through Mary that evening. God bless. Love to you all.
Mary Grace Roach
NCMOTC President
Dear Scott and Mary Elizabeth,
Blogging is a way to express yourself that is very positive. I am happy for you wonderful folks that you have each other and that the Lord keeps revealing how precious the gift really is when you get low. Yes, it is difficult; yes it is NOT FUN. It is a trial and sacrificial life you are leading right now. But you have each other and your wonderful family, and the good Lord is helping you. Each day the Lord gives you fresh grace. See chap. 3 of Lamentations: “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. ~22-23
All the best,
Maria in Annandale
It is amazing how you can put into words how many of us feel as well, more often that we care to say we are overtaken by feelings of “why me” and “how much more can I take”. When I am feeling this way I often pull out a copy of the Footprints in the Sand story and read it until it sinks in once again that I am not alone during the most difficult times of my life and I prayer for strength and continue praying until I feel the veil lifted…
You both are always in our thoughts and especially in our prayers.
Love,
Suzy & Bob
Dear Scott and MaryElizabeth,
I had the pleasure of watching and listening to the children at the concert last Thursday. They did a beautiful job. I brought pictures to MaryElizabeth today. I hope she enjoyed them. We had a nice visit about some elementary school friends and some current friends. I hope she enjoyed herself and the pictures of the children and Lucille with the children as I had promised.
Be Strong and stay well, summer is almost here.
Sincerely, Patty Pugliese
Dear Scott and Mel-I feel like I should be thanking you Scott -that you can share your angst, frustration and fear is a very healthy thing -I think we have all marveled at your infinite strength in the face of adversity and that you have moments of doubt and despair reminds us that you really are human!! It is a team effort with you and Mel -and family and friends, and taking that other road is a dark and not good one. I know that together you and Mel will continue to follow your road together with friends, family and faith close by your side. xxoob
I too, lost both of my parents when I was 18 and 23. I have no brothers or sisters. I was alone but felt fortunate that I had a job working in the ICU and could pay the mortgage on the house I lived in.. Then I met Kevin. My wedding was my responsiblity. It was a happy day for the both of us. Last weekend our son Danny got married to Maggie in Buffalo. I sat there in church listening to their wedding vows. For richer and poorer.( Kev and I are waiting for the richer). To have and to hold( Kev holds me now more than ever, so I dont fall down).. well Scott,dont we know, in sickness and in health(no comment on that).When Kevin and I repeated thoses vows 32 years ago, did we really understand to what they meant. I understand your frustration. We too have experienced what you and MB feel. It’s so slow a process. You have a right to feel sorry for yourself. Its part of the healing process. It will get better.Peaks and valleys. The most important thing was those vows you both took. I pray for the both of you. Please keep letting us into your lives.
Hi Scott,
I can actually feel your frustration and I am sure we all understand the reasons for it. Thanks for sharing these feelings with us too, as I believe this is all a part of the healing process. I for one admire your strength and attitude regarding the situation. Please focus on how Mary Elizabeth has progressed such a great long way and that you’re both home together. What great fighters you both are. May God keep giving you the strength needed. Many are sending good thoughts and vibes your way. Don’t think too far ahead: maybe Taking it – One day at a time.
I’m glad to hear you’ve had a good wallow. You can’t be the pillar of strength all the time. You have to feel your feelings fully. It takes courage to feel despair, but once you have you realize that you’re still alive, you’re still blessed with a wonderful family and so much love – and you can go on. If you don’t go there, you never know that and you fear it.
Here’s my Pollyanna POV. I don’t believe in the hierarchy of suffering — if my knee hurts when I go down stairs I can’t console myself with the knowledge that some people have no legs. BUT, I do believe in changing my POV. That is, instead of concentrating on what is lost or what is broken or what is unobtainable, to work on looking at all that I have. It’s a matter of perspective.
You have that perspective, that natural ability to see outside yourself and not let the negative pull you down. I know it’s not easy, and you’re going to have to fight that fight for a long time, but all the wonderful things that you do have make a very good life.
You’ve hit some very big bumps in the road, but you’ve still got your wheels on and you keep moving forward.
Love,
Karen
Scott,
I have been amazed through this whole process how you have seemed so steady. It can’t feel like that all the time for you. On the flip side, when you are way past all of this, you deserve to sit back and know that you did all you could to support Mary Elizabeth in what has been and continues to be a miraculous recovery. Keep the faith! We are praying for you.
Much love,
Jane and John
Dearest Scott and Mary Elizabeth, Wow. Indeed. Stress levels can be stratospheric, especially for the two of you, struggling so hard to exist and thrive in the face of so many setbacks. Have you ever hear of the book, Jon Kabat-Zinn’sFull Catastrophe Living ? (irresistible title, n’est pas?). It has become a very important book for me and basically tells us to just be in the moment with whatever is there just then at that time without judgment. Sad is sad, overwhelmed is overwhelmed, small mercies are small mercies, and every second counts. Tall order, I know, but helpful. Let me know if I may send you a copy as a gift. Love you both very dearly. Let me know if I may visit for a short visit one day. Love and hugs, Noelle
Dear Scott,
Your feelings of despair and frustration with the situation are certainly understandable. I, and many others, are amazed at your fortitude and unending stamina. Personally, I’m in awe of what you have done, and how you have held up mentally and physically. I really don’t know how I would negotiate the myriad of problems that have confronted you!
As for the “handsome couples with beautiful children….fancy cars….exquisitely happy and healthy…..” don’t give these things a thought, as much of it is frivolous top dressing. These “beautiful people,” unlike you, Mary Elizabeth and your children are for the most part a flash in the pan —shallow and vapid.
Your family’s strength—-and deep faith in God—- has been an inspiration to me.
Warmest wishes, Walter
Scott – I want to underscore all of the comments above and add a small thought…when the poop hits the fan and I allow myself a good wallow in self-pity (it’s healthy!) and then I usually find I have the thought: “Well, I’m really experiencing life right now!” I take some deep breaths, really feel it, letting it wash over and through me and then on I go. You’re doing it all right man!
The courage and fortitude that you have shown in your families struggle amazes me. Your blog is a inspiration to all of us that read it.
Dear Scott & Mary Elizabeth …
Yet again, you both exemplify strength and grace in the face of tremendous challenges. I am all too familiar with the “dark place” you refer to having dealt with an unexpected diagnosis while in the midst of extended unemployment and (at the time) the end of my insurance coverage.
The experience taught me a lot and I learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought — much like you both have demonstrated these past six months. I think the hardest part to accept is that things happen to all of us (even the perfect families in your community) all of the time that are beyond our control … job loss, illness, death, etc. seemingly without reason.
While these things give us perspective, I realized something far greater. We cannot control the unexpected and bad things that can and do happen just as we have no control over the good things that happen. But most important is how we respond to these events in our lives — whether we rise to the occasion or surrender in defeat — that is something we do have control over, and it defines our character and our quality of life. Once I began to embrace that concept, it helped me to get through the darker times. That’s not to say that you won’t have your moments. Of course you will (as we all do) and it would not be normal not to. But try not to be so hard on yourselves. This has been a lot to process and I think when you look back to six months ago, you will feel empowered by how many obstacles you’ve overcome.
Sending you good thoughts and lots of love! Abbey
I am so glad to hear she is home. I know Mary Elizabeth from the twins club. I wrote you guys a few times because my sister had a stroke at a very young age and we were told she would not survive. Four years later, we celebrate most holidays at her house with a glass of wine and her doing the cooking. It was a long journey but she made it.I know every day you guys will get stronger. If you need someone to talk to who has ben down this road while raising three children my sister will talk to you,. She lives in Jericho so they can meet or call on the phone. Please contact me if you would like. In my thoughts, Laura Kent