As much as I like to be positive and report progress, today was not one of those days. I’ve had issues with my lower back since 1986, and I was just saying to Ellinor that I was amazed that it hasn’t troubled me in the last 10 weeks, since it’s often triggered by stress.
Of course, yesterday morning, my back went out. One of the things that’s really good for it is exercise and movement. Going from stillness (and stiffness) to movement is another matter, but once I get going it’s not bad. And ringing, as it turns out, is pretty good for it as well. The worst thing however is sitting upright. Something about that position just makes things worse. So today, I stayed in and nursed my back in my rented flat, occasionally getting upright to do some work, before getting horizontal again.
When I got to the hospital today, Mary Elizabeth was unresponsive and in fact cold to the touch and quite limp. Her vital signs were stable, but her inertia was troubling. She had, in fact been quite agitated for most of the day – thrashing around – but without any responsiveness. According to the nurse, she would occasionally “connect” but was far away most of the time. She had settled down late in the afternoon a few minutes before I arrived and while he didn’t say it, I sensed that the nurse didn’t want me to rile her up now that she had settled down. As the father of three I understand completely.
In this case however, I don’t think a brass band would have gotten a response from her as she seemed quite insensate. I talked to her most of the time, telling her about things going on at home and reminiscing about funny things the kids have done over the years. I placed my wedding ring on her finger, just in case she could feel it. But none of it seemed to have any response.
I will caveat this paragraph with the assertion that I know that she will recover and come back to us. But tonight I was feeling quite hopeless. As I left, I looked at her quietly asleep, but far away and thought about how it’s been more than 10 weeks since her stroke, and I don’t feel like we’ve made much progress. That’s not true of course, but that’s how I was feeling. I know she’s getting superb and compassionate care at the hospital and am grateful for that, but for some reason tonight, I felt the weight of all that’s happened pressing down on my shoulders.
I met a ringing friend of mine at a pub across the street from the flat I’m renting for a pint or two (and some shepherd’s pie for me) and talked about what’s going on. He had a sympathetic ear, and allowed me to go on a bit about my fears and concerns about Mary Elizabeth, and I think that in the articulation of my fears, I found some comfort and some hope.
Sharing concerns and troubles with a friend definitely makes you feel better. Whether it’s the verbal articulation of what’s bothering you or that somebody else is listening to your troubles, the fact is that it makes you feel better. I think this is certainly one of the reasons that prayer makes you feel better. So many prayers and hymns talk about how sharing your troubles and concerns in prayer will help. And it does.
So join me in praying that Mary Elizabeth comes back to us – and soon. I need her, my kids need her and I think we all need her back. Thank you.
Moved in Sundry Places 
Oh Scott,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mary Elizabeth.
Thank you for writing so often with updates, even when the news is upsetting.
— Grace
I pray for her and your family every day . I feel like I have been part of your family and kow you guys . I’m sorry she is not responding , but I have this feeling she is going to surprise everyone she seems like a strong woman. And is holding on !! I pray for you and your family everyday. Hang in there. God bless you all
Dear Scott
I know you know this but its okay not to feel wonderful every day, its okay to feel blue, its okay to wonder if your loving wife will be responsive the next time you visit, its okay to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Those are your feelings and you are certainly entitled to them. Just remember that you are not alone, so many people are praying for ALL of you and God is watching over and walking beside you each day. The journey ahead will have many peaks and valleys try to take each day as it comes. It is good to write how you are feeling and to discuss those feeling with others. It will help you through a rough day. May our God who loves all His children continue to bring you the strength and comfort that you need in the days ahead.
God Bless,
Bob & Carol
Dear Scott, What a tough time for you. Here’s hugs and all good wishes that things will go as best as can be. Take care of yourself, may your back feel better. This may be a through the glass darkly phase, but there is light out there too. Sending it to you and Mary Elizabeth, with all love as ever, Noelle
sorry to hear things are not going so well. I am glad you found some solace and comfort by talking things out and know that we are always praying for ME and miss her terribly as well.
Hope your back is doing a bit better by the time you are reading this. Not to sound to motherly, but make sure that you are eating enough protein. My hubby has the same problem with his back, and stress triggers it for him too. He takes some flax seed oil and up’s his protein when it happens and he is usually back on his feet pretty quickly.
Keep your chin up. It WILL get better as you know.
Sending good vibes …
Nat
Footprints in the Sand – Mary Stevenson
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
Dear Scott,
The travel may also have triggered your back pain. Sitting for prolonged periods and carrying suitcases…these things do press down on your back. But I read in your note the full weight of this trauma and wish there were a way for me to help. It’s not a time for standing tall easily, but perhaps this is what your back needs for relief, rather than the compression of sitting.
Your eloquent, heartfelt words describing the love you have for Mary Elizabeth and three children make you stand very tall in my eyes!
Please know my daily prayers and thoughts continue with you and your dear family.
Cath
Scott,
I’d like to say again how much I love that you give us daily updates about what’s going on. I’m sitting here in Illinois, wishing there was something I could do. Short of jumping on a plane (which I could be ready to do in a heartbeat) I’ll continue to keep you, ME and your wonderful family in my thoughts. I understand the feelings you were having in this post and have utter admiration for your ability to keep perspective on everything and retain your well place optimism. Love, Jen (& Sean)
Scott:
Our thoughts an prayers are with you and Mary Elizabeth. Thank you for the updates and being able to share your thoughts and feelings as you support your loving wife.
John and Janice
Scott,
I hope that your back is better today – so sorry that you are in pain. Hoping that today brings you all good things for both you and Mary Elizabeth. Your positive thoughts are an inspiration to everyone. Thank you so much for the updates and your honesty.
Best,
Lisa