I’ve posted a few times about feeling like I was mourning the loss of the old Mary Elizabeth and our life before her stroke.  It felt good to type it out loud, and was I’m sure therapeutic to acknowledge the loss.  But it was of course confusing to grieve for somebody who was still very much alive.

I received advice – both here and in person, – to let go of the past and embrace the present while looking for opportunities to be thankful along the way.  In fact I think I even gave myself that advice.  But as is so often the case, it’s easier said than done.  I continued to struggle with feelings of loss and grief and there were certain things it was just better not to think about.

But I’d say in the last two months or so, things have started to change for the better.  I tried to figure out what may have happened to bring about this different way of feeling.  The logistics of our life are still as challenging as ever and while Mary Elizabeth continues to make steady progress, it is slow going.  The practical and administrative pressures in our lives continue to mount, and I perpetually feel like a salmon swimming upstream.  I can only think of one thing that’s different:

That was then and this is now.

The Victorians had it right I think with more formally proscribed periods of mourning to put some parameters around getting over a loss.  My feeling better has everything to do I think with spending the time to adjust to our new life and accept with open arms where we are, who we are, and what we have.

I would’ve done it sooner if I could have, and I’m not sure that I won’t feel crummy again, but this is definitely a trend.

So am I thankful for what we have?  You bet.  As I said last year at this time, I don’t know that I’ll ever be thankful that Mary Elizabeth had a stroke – I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.  But I continue to be thankful for some of things that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.