We’ve had a busy week since Mary Elizabeth’s birthday, managing to squeeze in several celebrations and visits with friends as well as doctors appointments, therapy and of course the kids’ stellar turns in Alice in Wonderland last Thursday.  Charlotte played several roles, but her main part was as the Red Queen – “Off with her head!”  Clark and Louisa also played several roles, and they were hilarious as Tweedledum and Tweedledee.  I was able to pull together their costumes at the last minute and they were all well-rehearsed and had a great time.

Mary Elizabeth enjoyed the performance and we are getting accustomed to people coming up to us and talking about the stroke and her recovery.  Sometimes they’re good friends and sometimes we’ve never met.  It’s a real testament to Mary Elizabeth and the warm feelings that people have for her.  Thank you all again for your kindness and support during the last 8 months – can you believe it?

A few weeks ago I wrote about letting go and it’s a theme which has stuck with me for a while.

Every minute I spend with Mary Elizabeth underscores the reality that she is a very different person than she was before the stroke.  The physical differences are of course the most profound – she’s still in a wheelchair and will be for some time it seems,  she can’t really use her right hand and her left eye goes off in a different direction with a permanently dilated pupil.  She struggles to find words with a voice that’s completely different from before.

And she’s no longer blonde!

She still needs help with even the most basic activities of daily living.  Emotionally and cognitively there have been some significant change as well.  Those of you who have spent time with her since the stroke have discovered that she cries often with both tears of joy as well as sadness.   This person who used to do multi-million dollar structured finance transactions  now has a hard time telling you how old her children are.   I was filling out an application for transportation services from Nassau County and was shocked when I saw that I had checked “no” on every single capabilities box.  Please don’t think I’m being too negative – these are just the facts – and our current situation.

In the early days of this ordeal in London, somebody said to me – I think it was a doctor – that they had no idea to what extent she would recover, but one thing was for sure – she would never be the same. All this time later, it’s still a hard concept to grapple with,  and in many ways I’m having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that the old Mary Elizabeth is never coming back.

I feel a little bit like I’m in mourning.  I think about things we used to do together – the prosaic things like meeting each other on the train home – or even shopping – I never, ever thought I would say that I missed shopping!  I think about vacations we’ve taken – walks on the beach.  All gone.  Never to return.   And I admit that it brings about such overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss that I sometimes feel like I can’t take it.

But then I get home, and there’s the new Mary Elizabeth – as alive as ever with her new greeting, “Hello, You!”  (easier I guess than trying to remember my name).   And while many things have changed, there’s so much about her that’s the same.  Her love for me – often expressed – for which I am profoundly grateful;  her wicked sense of humor – and her keen intellect which I know is alive and well behind the opacity of her aphasia.

So it’s out with the old and in with the new.  It’s time to make new memories, have new experiences and cherish what we have now – not what we lost.   I just have to be patient – something I learned months ago in London, and which I think I have to learn all over again – in a different context with a different time frame.

Onwards and upwards.  Next weekend we’ll be driving up to Andover Massachusetts to visit friends for the weekend which we’re really looking forward to – despite the logistical challenges – and where Charlotte, Clark and Louisa will give a command performance of their roles in Alice in Wonderland, likely roping in our friends for some of the other roles.  And then before we know it school will be starting.

And in September, I’ll be heading back to London for a week.  I’m a little nervous about having an ocean in between us, but Mary Elizabeth will be well cared for by her mother, Kay and the kids  and I’ll enjoy seeing colleagues and friends, as well as getting in some ringing.